100.7 Changes Format

At this point it seems that 100.7 The River has switched back to an oldies format from the Adult Alternative format it has enjoyed for almost two years. This time, though, it’s oldies of the 70′s variety. The station is operated by ClearChannel, who also operates WRDU 106.1, "the Triangle’s only classic rock station". Additionally, Curtis Media recently shifted the format of its 96.1 station toward playing more old rock songs, too.

It will be interesting to see what ClearChannel is going to do with 106.1, and if the Triangle’s radio gods actually think that we need to be flogged with "Beast of Burden" each day by three different stations.

  • http://profile.typekey.com/upinya/ pf

    Good thing they did that, I actually was starting to think there was a neat eclectic radio station in Raleigh. Thank god we nipped that in the bud. Whew. The radio stations are so bad here (no excuse either, 3 huge colleges in the area!) I wouldnt mind shelling out the dough for XM or Sirius.

  • http://profile.typekey.com/upinya/ pf

    Good thing they did that, I actually was starting to think there was a neat eclectic radio station in Raleigh. Thank god we nipped that in the bud. Whew. The radio stations are so bad here (no excuse either, 3 huge colleges in the area!) I wouldnt mind shelling out the dough for XM or Sirius.

  • CarnifeX

    88.1 is great for the most eclectic conglometation of music around, but not a consistent source of any genre. Still, I support WKNC, they do a great job.

  • CarnifeX

    88.1 is great for the most eclectic conglometation of music around, but not a consistent source of any genre. Still, I support WKNC, they do a great job.

  • http://archiandy.blogspot.com/ AndyO

    I agree. The radio stations in this town are really at crisis levels. The morning drive is dreadful radio-wise.
    Here’s my morning pattern:
    NPR “Iraq is a mess . . .” -click-
    96.1 (Led Zeppelin/”Hurricane season is almost here . . .” ) -click-
    G105 “Okay, we’re going to hook these electrodes to your . . .” -click-
    WNCS “Student government . . . ” -click-
    90.7 (static-y jazz) -click-
    WQDR “Girl, you ain’t much fun since I quit drinkin’ . . .”
    OFF.

  • http://archiandy.blogspot.com AndyO

    I agree. The radio stations in this town are really at crisis levels. The morning drive is dreadful radio-wise.
    Here’s my morning pattern:
    NPR “Iraq is a mess . . .” -click-
    96.1 (Led Zeppelin/”Hurricane season is almost here . . .” ) -click-
    G105 “Okay, we’re going to hook these electrodes to your . . .” -click-
    WNCS “Student government . . . ” -click-
    90.7 (static-y jazz) -click-
    WQDR “Girl, you ain’t much fun since I quit drinkin’ . . .”
    OFF.

  • Jack

    Andy—
    selecting G105 and 96 Rock…
    what are ya 18?
    Try Y102.9 killer tunes snarky host.

  • Jack

    Andy—
    selecting G105 and 96 Rock…
    what are ya 18?
    Try Y102.9 killer tunes snarky host.

  • Jack

    Andy—
    selecting G105 and 96 Rock…
    what are ya 18?
    Try Y102.9 killer tunes snarky host.

  • Jack

    Andy—
    selecting G105 and 96 Rock…
    what are ya 18?
    Try Y102.9 killer tunes snarky host.

  • http://www.lunenburg.org/ Wade

    Gah, 100.7 was the only radio station I’d listen to around here. Guess it’s back to the 100% iPod commute for me.

  • http://www.lunenburg.org/ Wade

    Gah, 100.7 was the only radio station I’d listen to around here. Guess it’s back to the 100% iPod commute for me.

  • david

    Raleigh has radio stations??? I have have Sirius for 4 years and will NEVER look back!

  • david

    Raleigh has radio stations??? I have have Sirius for 4 years and will NEVER look back!

  • http://www.thedailyrebellion.blogspot.com/ Nick

    88.1 is pretty much the only thing i listen too from 9-5. Since i’m a courier i do alot of raleigh commuting, and i can almost always find good music by WKNC. Meanwhile 96.1 has jumped the shark. Switching their format just sets up their eventual decline into old rock obscurity. Should have kept is as The Cup & their old format.

  • http://www.thedailyrebellion.blogspot.com Nick

    88.1 is pretty much the only thing i listen too from 9-5. Since i’m a courier i do alot of raleigh commuting, and i can almost always find good music by WKNC. Meanwhile 96.1 has jumped the shark. Switching their format just sets up their eventual decline into old rock obscurity. Should have kept is as The Cup & their old format.

  • RaleighRob

    Goodness, I haven’t listed to regular radio since the mid-90s when, as a teen in my hometown, I could sometimes pick up a Charlotte station that did a techno/house/trance music show on Friday nights. Ah, that was good radio! ;-)

  • RaleighRob

    Goodness, I haven’t listed to regular radio since the mid-90s when, as a teen in my hometown, I could sometimes pick up a Charlotte station that did a techno/house/trance music show on Friday nights. Ah, that was good radio! ;-)

  • Mike

    Wow, cannot believe this. t was the only actual music station that I listened to. Its a good thing that we didn’t cancel the Sirius subscription.

  • Mike

    Wow, cannot believe this. t was the only actual music station that I listened to. Its a good thing that we didn’t cancel the Sirius subscription.

  • editrix

    Meet the new boss. Same old.

  • editrix

    Meet the new boss. Same old.

  • http://carolinarollergirls.com/ Evil Ed

    I JUST EMAILED RVA MY OPINION:
    Well, sadly I just read the news that the River is changing the format to
    go older, classic rock. (we already have enough of that crap around here!) It
    was so good before, and it was barely given time to take root!
    The Triangle area is so lacking a variety station, which the RIVER was!
    Your “old” format of alternative hits from the 70s, 80s, 90s, and even
    current day WAS the BEST selection on any radio station I had heard in the
    Triangle since moving here in 1991. I have to say the change in format has
    really dissappointed me and I’m sure a LARGE NUMBER OF MY 30-SOMETHING YEAR
    OLD FRIENDS. I heard nothing but positive feedback to the old format. Such
    good variety, such good b-sides, and even tunes I hadn’t heard in years,
    but loved being re-introduced too!
    With this news I have decided to take the plunge and go with XM. (have you
    heard Fred Ch44. Absolutely the BEST for my tastes)
    Thanks for the 2 years of 100.7 being burnt into my LCD screen, and the
    River giving pleasure to my ears on my car radio…it will sadly, no longer
    be a preset.
    SEND YOU OWN FEEDBACK TO:
    briantaylor@clearchannel.com
    AND CC THE DJs (I’m sure they’re not happy either…)
    sybilmcguire@clearchannel.com, joshzach@clearchannel.com, mattcooper@clearchannel.com

  • http://carolinarollergirls.com Evil Ed

    I JUST EMAILED RVA MY OPINION:
    Well, sadly I just read the news that the River is changing the format to
    go older, classic rock. (we already have enough of that crap around here!) It
    was so good before, and it was barely given time to take root!
    The Triangle area is so lacking a variety station, which the RIVER was!
    Your “old” format of alternative hits from the 70s, 80s, 90s, and even
    current day WAS the BEST selection on any radio station I had heard in the
    Triangle since moving here in 1991. I have to say the change in format has
    really dissappointed me and I’m sure a LARGE NUMBER OF MY 30-SOMETHING YEAR
    OLD FRIENDS. I heard nothing but positive feedback to the old format. Such
    good variety, such good b-sides, and even tunes I hadn’t heard in years,
    but loved being re-introduced too!
    With this news I have decided to take the plunge and go with XM. (have you
    heard Fred Ch44. Absolutely the BEST for my tastes)
    Thanks for the 2 years of 100.7 being burnt into my LCD screen, and the
    River giving pleasure to my ears on my car radio…it will sadly, no longer
    be a preset.
    SEND YOU OWN FEEDBACK TO:
    briantaylor@clearchannel.com
    AND CC THE DJs (I’m sure they’re not happy either…)
    sybilmcguire@clearchannel.com, joshzach@clearchannel.com, mattcooper@clearchannel.com

  • http://profile.typekey.com/chelseapup/ chelseapup

    I should have known when I heard a block of Tori Amos songs followed directly by a block of Steely Dan. It was too good to be true.

  • http://profile.typekey.com/chelseapup/ chelseapup

    I should have known when I heard a block of Tori Amos songs followed directly by a block of Steely Dan. It was too good to be true.

  • Ron T

    I was sad to see this post. Other than 88.1, The River was the best station going in Raleigh.
    Thanks for the email addresses Ed.

  • Ron T

    I was sad to see this post. Other than 88.1, The River was the best station going in Raleigh.
    Thanks for the email addresses Ed.

  • Brian

    Here’s what I sent to the e-mail addresses mentioned (thanks Ed):
    I just read that my favorite radio station in Raleigh, 100.7, is
    switching to an “oldies” station. I am very disappointed in this
    decision.
    When I first tuned into The River, I was hooked. The mix of music was
    outstanding, and the reduction in talk shows and commercials was
    something I really appreciated. I like turning on the radio and
    hearing music, not jabbering. And I don’t like “niche” channels that
    play the same thing over and over again. Before The River, that’s all
    Raleigh had, and with this switch to “oldies” that’s all Raleigh has
    again.
    I’m sure this decision was made after reviewing lots of market and
    demographic research, but all I can say is pretty much everyone I
    associate with had switched to 100.7 as their primary station. And I
    don’t care much for Clear Channel’s other offerings either.
    Back to MP3 CD burning for me.

  • Brian

    Here’s what I sent to the e-mail addresses mentioned (thanks Ed):
    I just read that my favorite radio station in Raleigh, 100.7, is
    switching to an “oldies” station. I am very disappointed in this
    decision.
    When I first tuned into The River, I was hooked. The mix of music was
    outstanding, and the reduction in talk shows and commercials was
    something I really appreciated. I like turning on the radio and
    hearing music, not jabbering. And I don’t like “niche” channels that
    play the same thing over and over again. Before The River, that’s all
    Raleigh had, and with this switch to “oldies” that’s all Raleigh has
    again.
    I’m sure this decision was made after reviewing lots of market and
    demographic research, but all I can say is pretty much everyone I
    associate with had switched to 100.7 as their primary station. And I
    don’t care much for Clear Channel’s other offerings either.
    Back to MP3 CD burning for me.

  • http://profile.typekey.com/RaleighMan/ Born at Wade & St. Mary’s

    I also lament the deplorable condition of Raleigh’s airwaves.
    It would be GREAT to have a station that played standards and swing. Surely we have enough old farts around here to support that.
    I should know. I’m one.

  • http://profile.typekey.com/RaleighMan/ Born at Wade & St. Mary’s

    I also lament the deplorable condition of Raleigh’s airwaves.
    It would be GREAT to have a station that played standards and swing. Surely we have enough old farts around here to support that.
    I should know. I’m one.

  • http://profile.typekey.com/RaleighMan/ Born at Wade & St. Mary’s

    I also lament the deplorable condition of Raleigh’s airwaves.
    It would be GREAT to have a station that played standards and swing. Surely we have enough old farts around here to support that.
    I should know. I’m one.

  • http://profile.typekey.com/RaleighMan/ Born at Wade & St. Mary’s

    I also lament the deplorable condition of Raleigh’s airwaves.
    It would be GREAT to have a station that played standards and swing. Surely we have enough old farts around here to support that.
    I should know. I’m one.

  • http://profile.typekey.com/RaleighMan/ Born at Wade & St. Mary’s

    I also lament the deplorable condition of Raleigh’s airwaves.
    It would be GREAT to have a station that played standards and swing. Surely we have enough old farts around here to support that.
    I should know. I’m one.

  • http://profile.typekey.com/RaleighMan/ Born at Wade & St. Mary’s

    I also lament the deplorable condition of Raleigh’s airwaves.
    It would be GREAT to have a station that played standards and swing. Surely we have enough old farts around here to support that.
    I should know. I’m one.

  • http://profile.typekey.com/RaleighMan/ Born at Wade & St. Mary’s

    I also lament the deplorable condition of Raleigh’s airwaves.
    It would be GREAT to have a station that played standards and swing. Surely we have enough old farts around here to support that.
    I should know. I’m one.

  • http://profile.typekey.com/RaleighMan/ Born at Wade & St. Mary’s

    I also lament the deplorable condition of Raleigh’s airwaves.
    It would be GREAT to have a station that played standards and swing. Surely we have enough old farts around here to support that.
    I should know. I’m one.

  • http://profile.typekey.com/RaleighMan/ Born at Wade & St. Mary’s

    I also lament the deplorable condition of Raleigh’s airwaves.
    It would be GREAT to have a station that played standards and swing. Surely we have enough old farts around here to support that.
    I should know. I’m one.

  • http://profile.typekey.com/RaleighMan/ Born at Wade & St. Mary’s

    I also lament the deplorable condition of Raleigh’s airwaves.
    It would be GREAT to have a station that played standards and swing. Surely we have enough old farts around here to support that.
    I should know. I’m one.

  • Chris

    If you throw in 92.3 and 100.3 out of G’boro and 103.5 out of Fayetteville, you’ve got 6! “classic” rock stations you can pick up in the Triangle.
    All ZZ Top, all the time.

  • Chris

    If you throw in 92.3 and 100.3 out of G’boro and 103.5 out of Fayetteville, you’ve got 6! “classic” rock stations you can pick up in the Triangle.
    All ZZ Top, all the time.

  • Spike

    For me, another dark day in Raleigh radio. For a commercial station, I really enjoyed 100.7 The River’s variety of tunes, sparse talk, and minimal commercials. They will be missed.
    Look, the (mainly) ’70s songs they are playing now are fine classic songs, but just how many times can we listen to such a narrow selection, over and over?
    My darkest radio day was a day in early September 1984 when I turned on the radio and WQDR 94.7 was playing country instead of their pioneering Album-Oriented Rock (AOR) sound. Listeners were stunned. The blow was softened, mildly, by the emergence of newbie WRDU 106.1 a few days earlier. But, WQDR, the deep cuts, and its staff was just damn cool!
    How could I ever forget WQDR:
    - Studying for a math test in my room on a Sunday night and hearing the DJ say, “Here’s a new band called The Police, with a song about ‘Roxanne’…I think you’ll like it…” Hell yeah, I loved it! I think I failed the next day’s test because I could only think of the new song Roxanne.
    - Winning tickets to see my first concert, Queen at the Greensboro Coliseum in 1980.
    - Promoting concerts at The Pier and The Bear’s Den in Cameron Village’s Subway. Also, the fun outdoor multi-artist (regional acts) concerts at the amphitheatre at Raleigh Little Theatre.
    - DJ Tom Guild (perhaps?) playing Zappa’s “Valley Girl”, and at the vociferous prompting of dismayed listeners, towards the song’s end he, on the air, loudly dragged the needle across the record’s surface (yes, still vinyl in those days), then promptly smashed the record into tiny bits, and commanded that the song would never be played again on WQDR.
    Now I’ll have to revert to the old college standbys, the stations I tune into locally are NCSU’s WKNC 88.1, Duke’s WXDU 88.7 (very weak signal), Shaw’s WSHA 88.9, and UNC’s WXYC 89.3 (weak signal).
    Often I’m listening to Pandora on the net. Check it out. Good stuff. Their Music Genome Project engine introduces listeners to new sounds. http://www.pandora.com
    Or, KCDX (http://www.kcdx.com) the commercial-free “mystery” rock station out of Arizona. Read about the mystery here on the Arizona Republic newspaper website: “Radio station not driven by money, but by mix of songs, commercial-free music” http://www.azcentral.com/news/columns/articles/1129ruelas29.html
    Now if I owned/programmed a local radio station, hmmmm, let’s see this would be an interesting list of artists to start out with…Shout Out Louds, Manu Chao, Pulp, Wanda Jackson, Furniture, Raveonettes, Jim White, Peter Bjorn and John, Neko Case, Louis Prima, Mojave 3, James Hunter, Plimsouls,…ah, to dream!

  • Spike

    For me, another dark day in Raleigh radio. For a commercial station, I really enjoyed 100.7 The River’s variety of tunes, sparse talk, and minimal commercials. They will be missed.
    Look, the (mainly) ’70s songs they are playing now are fine classic songs, but just how many times can we listen to such a narrow selection, over and over?
    My darkest radio day was a day in early September 1984 when I turned on the radio and WQDR 94.7 was playing country instead of their pioneering Album-Oriented Rock (AOR) sound. Listeners were stunned. The blow was softened, mildly, by the emergence of newbie WRDU 106.1 a few days earlier. But, WQDR, the deep cuts, and its staff was just damn cool!
    How could I ever forget WQDR:
    - Studying for a math test in my room on a Sunday night and hearing the DJ say, “Here’s a new band called The Police, with a song about ‘Roxanne’…I think you’ll like it…” Hell yeah, I loved it! I think I failed the next day’s test because I could only think of the new song Roxanne.
    - Winning tickets to see my first concert, Queen at the Greensboro Coliseum in 1980.
    - Promoting concerts at The Pier and The Bear’s Den in Cameron Village’s Subway. Also, the fun outdoor multi-artist (regional acts) concerts at the amphitheatre at Raleigh Little Theatre.
    - DJ Tom Guild (perhaps?) playing Zappa’s “Valley Girl”, and at the vociferous prompting of dismayed listeners, towards the song’s end he, on the air, loudly dragged the needle across the record’s surface (yes, still vinyl in those days), then promptly smashed the record into tiny bits, and commanded that the song would never be played again on WQDR.
    Now I’ll have to revert to the old college standbys, the stations I tune into locally are NCSU’s WKNC 88.1, Duke’s WXDU 88.7 (very weak signal), Shaw’s WSHA 88.9, and UNC’s WXYC 89.3 (weak signal).
    Often I’m listening to Pandora on the net. Check it out. Good stuff. Their Music Genome Project engine introduces listeners to new sounds. http://www.pandora.com
    Or, KCDX (http://www.kcdx.com) the commercial-free “mystery” rock station out of Arizona. Read about the mystery here on the Arizona Republic newspaper website: “Radio station not driven by money, but by mix of songs, commercial-free music” http://www.azcentral.com/news/columns/articles/1129ruelas29.html
    Now if I owned/programmed a local radio station, hmmmm, let’s see this would be an interesting list of artists to start out with…Shout Out Louds, Manu Chao, Pulp, Wanda Jackson, Furniture, Raveonettes, Jim White, Peter Bjorn and John, Neko Case, Louis Prima, Mojave 3, James Hunter, Plimsouls,…ah, to dream!

  • chris

    Wow– terrible news…!
    Used to wake up to 100.7 on my alarm clock and it was set as the #1 preset in my car.
    That will all change tomorrow.
    Do people that listen to ZZ Top spend more $$$ than me?? I seriously doubt it.

  • chris

    Wow– terrible news…!
    Used to wake up to 100.7 on my alarm clock and it was set as the #1 preset in my car.
    That will all change tomorrow.
    Do people that listen to ZZ Top spend more $$$ than me?? I seriously doubt it.

  • Betsy

    Another non-broken thing, fixed. Why!??
    PS. AndyO — Your morning pattern was hilarious.
    Reminds me of an old Dave Barry column I used to have.

  • Betsy

    Another non-broken thing, fixed. Why!??
    PS. AndyO — Your morning pattern was hilarious.
    Reminds me of an old Dave Barry column I used to have.

  • Betsy

    Here’s the Dave Barry column, “Garbage Scan,” circa 1993 (begging your forgiveness, Dana):
    Monday morning. Bad traffic. Let’s just turn on the radio here, see if we can get some good tunes, crank it up. Maybe they’ll play some early Stones. Yeah. Maybe they…
    -POWER ON-
    “…just reached the end of 14 classic hits in a row, and we’ll be right back after we…”
    -SCAN-
    “…send Bill Doberman to Congress. Because Bill Doberman agrees with us. Bill Doberman. It’s a name we can trust. Bill Doberman. It’s a name we can remember. Let’s write it down. Bill…”
    -SCAN-
    “…just heard 19 uninterrupted classic hits, and now for this…”
    -SCAN-
    “…terrible traffic backup caused by the…”
    -SCAN-
    “…EVIL that cometh down and DWELLETH amongst them, and it DID CAUSETH their eyeballs to ooze a new substance, and it WAS a greenish color, but they DID not fear, for they kneweth that the…”
    -SCAN-
    “…followingisbasedonan800yearleaseanddoesnotinclude- taxtagsinsuranceoranactualcar- wegetyourhouseandyourchildrenandyourkidneys…”
    -SCAN-
    “NINE THOUSAND DOLLARS!!! BUD LOOTER CHEVROLET OPEL ISUZU FORD RENAULT JEEP CHRYSLER TOYOTA STUDEBAKER TUCKER HONDA WANTS TO GIVE YOU, FOR NO GOOD REASON…”
    -SCAN-
    “…Bill Doberman. He’ll work for you. He’ll FIGHT for you. If people are rude to you, Bill Doberman will KILL them. Bill Doberman…”
    -SCAN-
    “…enjoyed those 54 classic hits in a row, and now let’s pause while…”
    -SCAN-
    “…insects DID swarm upon them and DID eateth their children, but they WERE NOT afraid, for they trustedeth in the…”
    -SCAN-
    “…listening audience. Hello?”
    “Hello?”
    “Go ahead.”
    “Steve?”
    “This is Steve. Go ahead.”
    “Am I on?”
    “Yes. Go ahead.”
    “Is this Steve?”
    -SCAN-
    “This is Bill Doberman, and I say convicted rapists have NO BUSINESS serving on the Supreme Court. That’s why, as your congressman, I’ll make sure that…”
    -SCAN-
    “…a large quantity of nuclear waste has been spilled on the interstate, and police are trying to…”
    -SCAN-
    “…GIVE YOU SEVENTEEN THOUSAND DOLLARS IN TRADE FOR ANYTHING!!! IT DOESN’T EVEN HAVE TO BE A CAR!!! BRING US A ROAD KILL!!! WE DON’T CARE!!! BRING US A CANTALOUPE-SIZED GOB OF EAR WAX!!! BRING US…”
    -SCAN-
    “…huge creatures that WERE like winged snakes EXCEPT they had great big suckers, which DID cometh and pulleth their limbs FROM their sockets liketh this, ‘Pop,’ but they WERE not afraid, nay they WERE joyous, for they had…”
    -SCAN-
    “…just heard 317 uninterrupted classic hits, and now…”
    -SCAN-
    “Bill Doberman will shrink your swollen membranes. Bill Doberman has…”
    -SCAN-
    “…glowing bodies strewn all over the road, and motorists are going to need…”
    -SCAN-
    “…FORTY THOUSAND DOLLARS!!! WE’LL JUST GIVE IT TO YOU!!! FOR NO REASON!!! WE HAVE A BRAIN DISORDER!!! LATE AT NIGHT, SOMETIMES WE SEE THESE GIANT GRUBS WITH FACES LIKE KITTY CARLISLE, AND WE HEAR THESE VOICES SAYING…”
    -SCAN-
    “Steve?”
    “Yes.”
    “Steve?”
    “Yes.”
    “Steve?”
    -SCAN-
    “Yes, and their eyeballs DID explode like party favors, but they WERE NOT sorrowful, for they kneweth…”
    -SCAN-
    “Bill Doberman. Him good. Him heap strong. Him your father. Him…”
    -SCAN-
    “…finished playing 3,814 consecutive classic hits with no commercial interruptions dating back to 1978, and now…”
    -SCAN-
    “…the radiation cloud is spreading rapidly, and we have unconfirmed reports that…”
    -SCAN-
    “…liquefied brain parts did dribbleth OUT from their nostrils, but they WERE not alarmed, for they were…”
    -SCAN-
    “…getting sleepy. Very sleepy. When you hear the words ‘Bill Doberman,’ you will…”
    -POWER OFF-
    Ok, nevermind. I’ll just drive. Listen to people honk. Maybe hum a little bit. Maybe even, if nobody’s looking, do a little singing.
    (quietly)
    ‘I can’t get nooooooo
    Sa-tis-FAC-shun….’

  • Betsy

    Here’s the Dave Barry column, “Garbage Scan,” circa 1993 (begging your forgiveness, Dana):
    Monday morning. Bad traffic. Let’s just turn on the radio here, see if we can get some good tunes, crank it up. Maybe they’ll play some early Stones. Yeah. Maybe they…
    -POWER ON-
    “…just reached the end of 14 classic hits in a row, and we’ll be right back after we…”
    -SCAN-
    “…send Bill Doberman to Congress. Because Bill Doberman agrees with us. Bill Doberman. It’s a name we can trust. Bill Doberman. It’s a name we can remember. Let’s write it down. Bill…”
    -SCAN-
    “…just heard 19 uninterrupted classic hits, and now for this…”
    -SCAN-
    “…terrible traffic backup caused by the…”
    -SCAN-
    “…EVIL that cometh down and DWELLETH amongst them, and it DID CAUSETH their eyeballs to ooze a new substance, and it WAS a greenish color, but they DID not fear, for they kneweth that the…”
    -SCAN-
    “…followingisbasedonan800yearleaseanddoesnotinclude- taxtagsinsuranceoranactualcar- wegetyourhouseandyourchildrenandyourkidneys…”
    -SCAN-
    “NINE THOUSAND DOLLARS!!! BUD LOOTER CHEVROLET OPEL ISUZU FORD RENAULT JEEP CHRYSLER TOYOTA STUDEBAKER TUCKER HONDA WANTS TO GIVE YOU, FOR NO GOOD REASON…”
    -SCAN-
    “…Bill Doberman. He’ll work for you. He’ll FIGHT for you. If people are rude to you, Bill Doberman will KILL them. Bill Doberman…”
    -SCAN-
    “…enjoyed those 54 classic hits in a row, and now let’s pause while…”
    -SCAN-
    “…insects DID swarm upon them and DID eateth their children, but they WERE NOT afraid, for they trustedeth in the…”
    -SCAN-
    “…listening audience. Hello?”
    “Hello?”
    “Go ahead.”
    “Steve?”
    “This is Steve. Go ahead.”
    “Am I on?”
    “Yes. Go ahead.”
    “Is this Steve?”
    -SCAN-
    “This is Bill Doberman, and I say convicted rapists have NO BUSINESS serving on the Supreme Court. That’s why, as your congressman, I’ll make sure that…”
    -SCAN-
    “…a large quantity of nuclear waste has been spilled on the interstate, and police are trying to…”
    -SCAN-
    “…GIVE YOU SEVENTEEN THOUSAND DOLLARS IN TRADE FOR ANYTHING!!! IT DOESN’T EVEN HAVE TO BE A CAR!!! BRING US A ROAD KILL!!! WE DON’T CARE!!! BRING US A CANTALOUPE-SIZED GOB OF EAR WAX!!! BRING US…”
    -SCAN-
    “…huge creatures that WERE like winged snakes EXCEPT they had great big suckers, which DID cometh and pulleth their limbs FROM their sockets liketh this, ‘Pop,’ but they WERE not afraid, nay they WERE joyous, for they had…”
    -SCAN-
    “…just heard 317 uninterrupted classic hits, and now…”
    -SCAN-
    “Bill Doberman will shrink your swollen membranes. Bill Doberman has…”
    -SCAN-
    “…glowing bodies strewn all over the road, and motorists are going to need…”
    -SCAN-
    “…FORTY THOUSAND DOLLARS!!! WE’LL JUST GIVE IT TO YOU!!! FOR NO REASON!!! WE HAVE A BRAIN DISORDER!!! LATE AT NIGHT, SOMETIMES WE SEE THESE GIANT GRUBS WITH FACES LIKE KITTY CARLISLE, AND WE HEAR THESE VOICES SAYING…”
    -SCAN-
    “Steve?”
    “Yes.”
    “Steve?”
    “Yes.”
    “Steve?”
    -SCAN-
    “Yes, and their eyeballs DID explode like party favors, but they WERE NOT sorrowful, for they kneweth…”
    -SCAN-
    “Bill Doberman. Him good. Him heap strong. Him your father. Him…”
    -SCAN-
    “…finished playing 3,814 consecutive classic hits with no commercial interruptions dating back to 1978, and now…”
    -SCAN-
    “…the radiation cloud is spreading rapidly, and we have unconfirmed reports that…”
    -SCAN-
    “…liquefied brain parts did dribbleth OUT from their nostrils, but they WERE not alarmed, for they were…”
    -SCAN-
    “…getting sleepy. Very sleepy. When you hear the words ‘Bill Doberman,’ you will…”
    -POWER OFF-
    Ok, nevermind. I’ll just drive. Listen to people honk. Maybe hum a little bit. Maybe even, if nobody’s looking, do a little singing.
    (quietly)
    ‘I can’t get nooooooo
    Sa-tis-FAC-shun….’